Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Private Thoughts Posted Publicly

I am dealing with a major internal struggle right now. So why not share it on an open forum, where anyone can see it? But honestly, I just feel that if I let some of out "in writing" it may help me... collect my thoughts. Or deal with my feelings.
Anyways, I'm sort of lost in my world right now. I don't feel like I know exactly where my place is, or how to find it. I am a wife and a mom... and, what else? Those two roles have so completely dominated my existence, I don't know what else there is.
I quit college to get married and have babies. I kept working until my 2nd child was born, but only part time. Now I'm a stay at home mom.
My husband says no more babies. I kind of want another one. He's pretty adamant that he doesn't. An ugly crossroads to be in for sure, but I know that I can't force him to want one. And if so much of my identity has been given to being a mother, is it any wonder I'm feeling deprived of my very being by being told "no more"? And, it leads me to the question "what will I do with 'myself' once all of my children are in school?" I know it's still a few years off, but I can't help but fear that time...
Lately there have been several other decisions in our household where I don't feel as if I am as much a part of the decision making process as I used to be. Am I the one that's changed, or has my husband? I am not asking for anything extreme... a car that's not falling apart around me, where I feel 100% safe with my children in it, and a dining room table with chairs that aren't broken. Neither needs to be brand new or luxurious. Just "new to me".  I'm a simple girl, with small requests. So... because I no longer make a financial contribution to this family, do I not get to make any of these decisions? I work hard in this family, and there are days that I long to be out of the home working again, among other adults.
(I know, I know... TALK to my husband about these issues. And I will. But I have to process them all within myself first.)